Saturday, March 22, 2014

Six things, most of them useless, to do when the gray screen of death appears

This is the Gray Screen of Death.
The little gear keeps spinning round and round.
And round.
It has inexhaustible energy.
In all likelihood, it can keep this up forever.
What’s a person to do while she waits?

Don't panic. Make a nice cup of tea.
As Agnis Hamm says in The Shipping News,
"Tea's a good drink. Keep you going."
Lipton’s has handy instructions on the box.
Because there could be confusion.

Make use of the time.
Snip out elaborate snowflakes from the ream of printing paper sitting idly by.
Clearly, you won't be using that paper for anything else today.

Here's one I made. You can do better.

There's always shopping. Browse the catalogs.
Consider updating your look by purchasing a bandana.
This beautiful model from the Sahalie catalog looks great.
But perhaps ask yourself first:  Will this bandana make me, 
a woman no small distance from that demographic, appear
a) Edgy and original?
b) Trendy and hip?
c) Pathetic and desperate?

Still nothing? Try to reboot.
First, unplug all peripherals.
You read this somewhere, and it certainly seems like a fine idea.
Then, attempt to reboot using every combination 
of alt / command / option / control and letter keys you can imagine.
This won't work,
but you'll feel better for trying.

Even though you are well aware
that God is super busy right now
and probably doesn't care that you didn't back up
the manuscripts of two novels in progress and accumulated research,
twenty years of food writing, and the scans of 19th Century family tintypes. 
Nope. He's indifferent. 
Still, you might think even laying on of hands would be worth a try.
Remember, though -- it's an iMac.
Probably best not to slap it like an old Zenith.

What you should have done in the first place. 
Borrow a computer geek child if you don't have one of your own.
Good luck. We're rooting for you.

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